My name is Andrei Șerban, I am an actor, director, screenwriter, documentary filmmaker. I am kind of a Sergiu Nicolaescu, but less mainstream and of Roma ethnicity.
And you are probably wondering why political stand-up or what political stand-up means.
Political stand-up means stand-up…Actually, it’s a stand-up that doesn’t have the sexist, misogynist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, abilitist, classist jokes.
If I wasn't poor, you wouldn't be rich was…it was released to the public for the first time last fall in its original form it has approximately one hour and it talks about more than 20 years of experiences with the landlords in Bucharest and it is about capital, heritage and private property. I was calling her and she was saying “What can I do, Andreiule, look, at my ranch”. Just that she was really a slacker because when I moved in it was really dirty, you could say that Clotilde Armand was stocking all the trash from Sector 1. No way she did any cleaning, nothing, no, the furniture was broken, I repaired the furniture and because I moved in the summer and because the studio was on the ground floor I asked her if she knows if it was cold in winter.
“Nah, Andreiule, in the winter you'll be even in your underwear.”
And winter came and, obviously, I was freezing. Well, it was also an advantage that we stopped using the fridge because it was colder in the house than in the refrigerator. I slept with the food in the bed so it wouldn't freeze. We stopped going to the skating rink that year because, after mopping the floor, the layer of ice would be this thick.
Ok, but the truth be told, I was a fool at its service. How the hell did I think I was going to be in my underwear in the winter, if in the room, right next to the plug in what do you think it was? An electrical radiator.
But what did I think that was?
I felt the need to decorate a bit and I went to a Contemporary Art Gallery and I picked up
this wonderful decorative object.
Of course that whoever had lived there has warmed up with that electric radiator.
Okay, it was cold in the summer as well, like it’s here, because the studio, as I said, was at the ground floor, in the corner, the building was not insulated, and I finally get up the courage and called the landlady.
Madam, it's cold in the house, I'm freezing, I'm having visions from so much cold! While I'm talking to you I see a seal staring at me.
“How so, Andreiule?!“ As if she didn't know he rented me that cooler. She said “I'll come back in the summer and we'll work it out.”
In the summer (applause)
I didn’t understand…no, no, I didn’t tell you to clap, I couldn't understand who was clapping! I was hearing… When I look it was the seal. She was happy that we were together al the
winter.
And summer came and the landlady, Mrs Doina, came with two men.
And told me this: “Andreiu, this is my cousin from Romania and this is Geani - they’ll take care of the central too.” She says” But I can’t take care of the documents because I have to travel!”
Me, again the fool at work: Yes, sure, Mrs. Doina, let me handle it.
And I started to take care of…for the documents for the central heating. Who installed one probably knows you have to gather signatures from the apartment block’s administrators and from the floor neighbors . The floor neighbours didn't live there anymore because the rich have many properties and they can afford to keep some of them empty. So I started
getting the bills out of the post with the tweezers, all sorts of schemes, to falsify…to see what their names were to falsify their signature. It took me approximately a year… a month…Gosh, how would it be to stay a year for…no, a month. It took me a lot of work, I went alone, I bought, I bought the central heating system and now I called Geani and he came one morning and I said to him:
"Geani, please kindly look, put the central heating system on this wall. It was the wall opposite to the stove, the cooktop and the sink. I have to go to work, I used to work in casting at that time. Please give me a call when you're done to meet you at Victoriei Square to leave me the key. If something comes up please give me a call. In the case I can’t answer to you I’ll cal as soon as possible” “sure”
Geani's calling me at 5, we meet at Victoriei Square, he gives me the key and I ask him “Geani how it went?”.
He said “It went very well, but I couldn't put the central on that wall, I put it on the other one.”
“Which wall, Geani?”
“On this wall, above the stove”
“Geani, but Isn't it dangerous to place a gas central system over the stove flame?”
“Yes!”
“And what do I do?”
“Move the furniture.”
“ But where should I move the furniture, Geani?”
“On the other wall.”
“Geani but how to move the furniture on the other wall cus it doesn’t even fit.”
“Then cut it.”
“ But how to cut the furniture, Geani, when it's not even my furniture?”
“ Then I can't do anything”
“Geani, but, tell me at least why you didn’t place the central heating on this wall that I showed you?”
“Well, when I tried to put it it was a wall that was coming down and because of it, it didn't fit.”
“Geani, you’re right but that wall is made from drywall, from cardboard and if you were to push the central into it, it would have for sure fallen on its own. And anyway why didn’t you call me to ask when you put the central heating above the stove?
“Because you were at work and I didn't want to bother you.”
And here he seemed very cute.He didn't wanna bother me at work.
“Okay Geani, what can I say.”
He says: “No worries, I'll come tomorrow and move it back, but you should know that I've already drilled a hole for ventilation on this wall”
“Well, can't you plug it?”
“No, because it's too big. But, no worries, when I mounted the central heating system I also broken down your vent hood and a ventilation hole is just great.”
And I didn't get mad at Geani that he broke down my vent hood, I didn't get mad at Geani for leaving me with a hole this big either, I didn't get mad at Geani not even when he started the central heating system and water started pouring out of all the pipes like I had the artesian fountains from Piata Unirii Square in my house. No, not at all, but instead I gained courage and asked him:
“Hey, Geani, have you ever installed a central heating system?”
“Physically, no.”
“But Geani could you do it online? Could it be installed on Zoom or WhatsApp, what do you mean by physically no, Geani?
I actually thought I had that game installed on my phone - Pipes with the pipes…- maybe I could have install it myself? I was definitely installing it better than Geani.
“I had seen some friends installing central heating systems and it didn't look too complicated.” At some friends.
“Listen Geani, is it possible that you are not a plumber, right?
“No, of course not!”
“But you, Geani, what do you normally do?
“I'm a housepainter.”
“Well Geani, how didn’t you realize that the wall was made of plaster, of cardboard?!”
Anyway, it didn't matter. And this story isn't about Geani, it is about Doina.
Doina was so stingy that she knew she hired a housepainter to install my central. And because it was cheaper what was she thinking, that after he installs the central heating he would also give a paint on the walls. And Geani painted the walls and he was truly a very good house painter.
And about a year later Mrs Doina called me. That rarely happened because I usually found unanswer calls on the phone. I called her back and she would say “ Andreiule, I called you, it got interrupted and after that the reception was cut off. “ Like the U.S. phone network was made also by Geani.
This time I picked up, I saw that she was insisting and I thought it was something serious so I answer: “Hello, Andrei!”
The second clue, he stopped calling me Andreiule.
“Andrei you need to know that I was on Sunday at the church and I meet a family who was coming from Romania and they told me that the rents have gone up in Bucharest and a studio is at least 300 euros.”
Now that it had improved- the central heating, it was clear that the rent would have to go up.
“Mrs. Doina, please, I've told you from the beginning I cannot afford to pay more and, adding to that, I cleaned, I fixed all the furniture, I go and pay your house tax every year, I stood in cold all the winter and now you want to raise my rent?”
“Don’t insist.That’s what I found out in the church yard.”
“Fuck your church and your gods and your christs, who made you go to the church. But in reality I only said one more: please..”
“Don't insist. Until the end of the month, you should be gone from the studio.”
She didn't even give me time to find something ok. And then I said “Sure, mrs Doina, I'll be gone by the end of the month from the studio, but you should know that I sent you the money by bank transfer and you didn't have declared the contract to ANAF!”
“Andreiulee, Andreiule, but you misunderstood! Well, with the good relationship we have. I really want you to stay in the studio until you find something you like.”
These rich people take us for fools, but we are not that stupid.
Thank you very much, you may find tickets for the next week’s show on iabilet, the online platform. Thank you!
